Scrot Guy

Written January 2009

So last night Heather went out on a second date with a local businessman. He has good banter via text and a similar dry sense of humour thus necessitating a second date to determine if he was actually worth keeping around, the end result was a resounding no.

Highlights of the date:
He does not drink- had to quit at 25 because he was on the verge of becoming the next Hunter S Thompson

He has moderate ADHD to the point of distraction (which he explained during the first date). He cannot sit facing a wall, watches everyone as they pass, surveys the whole of the restaurant and more often that not looks like he doesn't care what you're saying (but he is listening- and could repeat back everything you said verbatim, trust me I tested him on this.)

He is rude to the server and makes snapping gestures when the server isn't there (albeit jokingly) anyone who was ever a server knows how annoying and not funny this is.

He is still asking me to come over to his place to give him a massage (he has done since trying to organize the first date) was kinda cute before but now at the hundred and sixtieth time it's getting a bit annoying and old.

He shows me a check for over $5,000 underneath a stack of cash he's carrying around in his wallet, don't ask me why, I don't think I give off the gold digger vibe because talking about money is one of the top five sure-fire ways to turn me off.

He tells me about how he bought a skeleton and a coffin from a woman near South Dakota and it's positioned in his store so that no one knows it's in there but would love to mechanize the hand to push the lid so "Jack" could peek out and scare people. He then explains that it was a medical-purposes body donated to science one so that it's perfectly legal to own it- apparently he's looked into this extensively.

He shows me a picture text of a scrotum pulled into a heart shape where there's a I and a U photoshopped in to read I heart U.

Then tells me a joke about having a tattoo on his member that reads Jesus- so he can ask a girl during sex what it feels like to have Jesus inside her, to which I said, "Seriously? That was the punch line? You couldn't have come up with a better one like the second coming of Christ or something?"

Now in and of themselves, each of these things could normally have occurred among friends in the pub and I probably would have given exactly the same kind of responses that I did to this guy, laugh and have another beer and be glad I'm not going home with this person.

I like to think I have a pretty good sense of humour and it takes a lot to gross me out or shock me- but when you're trying to impress someone (or at very least sleep with them) you usually leave the scrotums and such for a later date right? Fourth or fifth at very least...