Heather goes to the porn store

Written 2009
Happened 1999

Different birthdays come with a set of abilities and expectations. On my 10th birthday I could finally get my ears pierced, 13 I could stay up until eleven on a school night, 16th birthday drive a car, and at the magical age of 18, the age of adulthood, the states of Minnesota and North Dakota allow you to purchase cigarettes, lottery tickets and porn.

My friend's 18th birthday fell on a Monday and we were both stuck closing down the gas station we worked at. So after singing him a few bars of "happy birthday" I ceremoniously sold him (though it was with my money) some Swisher Sweets mini cigars and a few scratch offs (because a Powerball ticket didn't have that instant gratification that a scratch off does). Then I proudly slapped my hand on the counter and announced that we should go and find him some porn because that would complete the trifecta of his new title of 'adult'.

We got in the car and drove down town to the "adult bookstore," which is a fairly misleading title because as far as I recall there was only maybe one or two books in the whole store, but because Midwesterners can't stand the idea of calling a porn shop a porn shop and referring to it as an adult bookstore saves from having to explain its purpose to the kids.

So we arrive and giggle and marvel at all of the devices and material that someone somewhere actually might be interested in sexually. There was a bowl of flavored condoms on the check out desk and I grabbed a 'tasteful' three (pun intended). I felt strange just standing and staring and a sign above the desk stated that there was a $5 browsing fee if you didn't make some kind of purchase. While at the check out I also noticed that a door behind me led to a stair case and with the word "Arcade" written over the doorframe and below it said "tokens available at the desk."

Now remember that at the time I was only 19 and sweet innocent as the day is long... ok, let's just say I was niave. The only kind of "arcade" I had ever heard of was the ones at the mall or Chuck E. Cheese, so I assumed that this was a hall of raunchy video games so I bought $5 worth and told my friend, to come on down to play. The guy behind the counter didn't turn a hair and let us go down to the basement.

We marched right back up with all $5 worth of tokens in our sweaty palms as soon as we had reached the last step of the darkened basement. The "arcade" was actually several viewing booths in which customers could spend their tokens not on Playboy trademarked pinball machines, but on Playboy trademarked videos (and from the looks of it upstairs those would have been the mild ones).

White as a ghost and completely mortified (remember I bought the condoms and the tokens at the same time!) I asked the guy behind the counter if I could re-fund my tokens, and to my great disappointment he said "No." I tried explaining that we didn't know what the "arcade" was but it didn't matter until I noticed a small plaque on the other side of the cash register that said "Monday night is ladies night- 10% discount on all purchases." I asked him if I got my discount and he said "No" and promptly refunded my tokens and gave me my discount for being female and in a porn store.

I parted company with my friend shortly after telling him that his next porn purchase he'd have to do solo.