Application for dating me

Taking a page out of Tucker Max's book is only useful if you're out of wiping material, so I'm leaving all of those pages firmly fastened in his book and on his website. However, the whole "checklist" idea of what is appealing in a partner is kind of useful for those of us who are a little more choosy and try to avoid riding town bicycles or barflies who've already had their wings pulled off. If you're racist, sexist, homophobic, anti-semitic or any kind of supremacist I don't want to know you let alone date you or sleep with you. If you have some other belief that compels you to try and convert others, knock on someone else's door. If you have what's referred to as "Peter Pan Syndrome," take your fairy dust and your game console and fly back to Neverland as fast as you can. If you have a totally distorted and unhealthy (and usually unwarranted) overly inflated ego and/or self perception, I hate to burst your bubble but... *pop*. If you have an annoying nasal and or squeaky voice I can promise you that I've thought of what it would sound like in bed and nothing not even duct tape and ear plugs would tempt me to sleep with you even if you looked like Clive Owen. 4 year degree required and higher education level strongly encouraged. If you have never been outside of the contiguous United States (or your own for that matter) you'd do better finding a girl from your hometown or the one just down the road. If you have no sex drive, you can only call me when you've gotten your engine overhauled. Alternatively, if you've got fixations on backdoor action, bondage, sharing, excretion, exhibitionist tendencies or anything else like that, you'd probably do better with a 1 900 number and a big bottle of Jergens than you would with me. If your motto is "it's not the size that counts..." I'll refer you to the whole breast size issue and then ask you if you really want to stick to your original statement. If your member has more bends than a paperclip, you may want to see someone about that and I mean a qualified medical professional, not me. If you can't remember the number of sexual partners you've had or if your bedroom has a revolving door is a revolving one, have fun with that, I won't. If your idea of foreplay is buying me dinner, you can stay in your car and head to the drive thru (and if your idea of buying me dinner involves a drive thru, keep on truckin). Quite obviously, I wouldn't tolerate violence towards me but I wouldn't tolerate it towards anyone else either. If you don't like beer I would say great more for me, but if it's "lite" or watery like most Domestics, more for you (unless you're up for trying the better beer the rest of the world drinks- in which case you just gained points) If you believe that the food groups are meat, potatoes, beer, candy and soda/pop we're going to have problems. If you spend more time on your hair than I do or in general look prettier than I do, you may want to find a more suitable companion. If you're desperately seeking wife/baby maker, you'll see a cloud of dust behind me that resembles that of the Roadrunner in Looney Tunes. Last but not least, if you do/have done any of the following consider yourself automatically disqualified: Been arrested Participated in competitive eating (aside from chubby bunny competitions) Do drugs Killed or maimed a person or animal (hunting is exempt) Donated money to a televangelist Voted for George W Bush Chew tobacco Been an extreme activist of any kind Believe that you are the messiah or if you were previously married to or otherwise entangled with me or someone I know

Heather and the set up

By sending out a simple text expressing my lament for the lack of male companionship, (i.e. "I need a man") my dear friend offered to fix me up with another singleton, saying that if nothing else, the date could be more fodder for my blog cataloging all of my dating disasters.

My friend sent me a picture and I agreed that she could give him my phone number, which he promptly phoned about an hour later. He was jittery and talkative and said he was trying to be assertive because he was normally way too shy for this kind of thing- calling a complete stranger to try and set up a date. I reassured him that I'm not that intimidating and he should just relax, which he follows up with "okay, well how about this, come roll around with me for about 25 minutes and if you don't like me you never have to see me again."

If your mind went straight to the gutter on that one, you're not alone. I asked for clarification and he explained that what he meant was to offer me an alternative date of sorts. If I wanted to ride along with him while he hauled sugar beets it would be better than if we met up at a bar or cafe instead and "stared at each other awkwardly trying to make conversation."  I politely declined that offer for the same reason that I declined scrot guy's offer to go to his house for a massage. Safety and common sense often dictate my decision making (unless of course there's alcohol involved- then I seem to do the opposite, but I digress).

I agreed to meet him the following night after he worked a 12 hour shift but before hanging up, he stipulated that he was not interested in meeting someone who was "keeping their options open" as he phrased it. I wish I could say I wasn't fazed by the request for exclusivity but usually, I'm on date 4 or 5 by the time that question comes up and not minute 24 or 25.

Unfortunately, it wasn't a particularly good 12 hour shift and we miscommunicated time frames and destinations. He walked in looking better than his photo and smelling rather lovely (I do love cologne something fierce) but unfortunately, that's where the good points ended. After about an hour of trying to find common ground (which was like searching for land in the middle of the Atlantic ocean) we decided to call it a night and I pointed to my car in the parking lot and he mocked my choice of automobile. Seeing as it's a 2007 and brand new to me (though it was attacked by a little old lady only 4 hours after I purchased it) the car is pretty swish and I'm proud of it. If he hadn't already struck out, I would have added extra innings as if it were a recent Twins game. Long story short, he's a catch for someone else's net.